our conflicts aren’t really about the surface issue

From an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) lens, our conflicts aren’t really about the surface issue.
They’re about tender places.

Places in us that learned, often long before our current relationship,
“This hurts.”
“This isn’t safe.”
“I could lose you here.”

So let’s slow it down.

✨ What is my pain / raw spot?
Not the story. Not the argument.
But the felt sense underneath — the place that tightens, collapses, or goes on alert.
Often this is an attachment wound asking, “Do I matter?” “Am I safe?” “Will you stay?”

✨ Where did this pain originate? What’s the source?
EFT reminds us that these raw spots didn’t appear out of nowhere.
They were shaped in relationships where our needs weren’t met, our emotions weren’t mirrored, or connection felt uncertain.
Your nervous system learned something important back then — even if it no longer fits now.

✨ How do I protect myself from my partner hitting this pain in our dynamic?
We all develop protective moves.
We shut down. We get critical. We over-function. We pull away.
Not because we’re “too much” — but because we’re trying to survive emotionally.

✨ How does my protection impact my partner and send them away from me?
Here’s the heartbreak EFT points to:
The very strategy meant to keep us safe often signals danger to our partner.
They don’t see the wound — they feel the wall.
And suddenly, two people longing for closeness are dancing further apart.

✨ How could I tell my partner about this pain directly and vulnerably?
What if instead of protecting against your partner, you invited them into your inner world?
Not with blame.
But with honesty that sounds like:
“When this happens, it touches something really tender in me. I need reassurance, not distance.”

✨ How could this pull my partner closer instead of repeating the disconnect?
In EFT, vulnerability isn’t weakness — it’s the bridge.
When we share our pain clearly and gently, we give our partner a roadmap back to us.
And connection becomes possible again.

💭 Reflection for you:
What might shift if your partner understood the pain underneath your protection — instead of just reacting to the protection itself?

This is how cycles change.
Not by fixing each other —
but by finding each other in the places we’re most afraid to be seen.